Though some babies are certainly more challenging than others and certain developmental periods (teething, separation anxiety etc.) are tougher than others, The Baby Whisperer says that if you follow her techniques things will eventually work out. I implemented most, but not all of her techniques and had a lot of success, but I have to admit that it is hard for me to believe that her techniques will always end up working with every baby. She does mention that she has worked with thousands of babies and that her techniques have always worked so maybe she is right - her techniques will eventually work.
Here's a list of reasons why she says you may not be having success with her techniques:
*"You're following your child, rather than establishing a routine". Remember that one of her main focuses is on implementing a routine from birth. See the EWS cycle for more on this.
*"You've been doing accidental parenting".
*"You're not reading your child's cues".
*"You're not factoring in that young children change constantly. The only constant in the job of parenting is change". If you find your self using the phrase my child "used to be", then maybe your problems are routed from the fact that your child is ready for a change (more awake time, more time between meals etc.).
*"You're looking for an easy fix". Sometimes we seem to expect magic to happen with little or no effort. Not likely. What most likely is needed a whole lot of patience, persistence, and maybe a little extra chocolate when things get tough :)
*"You're not really committed to change. Make a plan and stick with it... Don't go back to your old way and don't keep tyring different techniques... Be persistent". I'd also like to add to this the need to be consistent.
*"You're trying something that doesn't work for your family or your personality". If you're not comfortable doing a particular technique, either don't do it, or find ways to bolster yourself, by having the strong parent take over for a bit, or enlisting some other help.
*"It ain't broke- and you don't really need to fix it". Every baby is different and just because your baby isn't following exactly what other babies his age are doing that doesn't mean something is wrong. If he seems to be doing fine, then that is the most important thing.
*"You have unrealistic expectations". We can't have too high or unreasonable expectations of our children. They're not perfect, and they're only capable of so much. And often when we do "a" then "b" and expect to get "c", "c" simply doesn't happen. Things usually aren't that simple with them.
Here's a list of reasons why she says you may not be having success with her techniques:
*"You're following your child, rather than establishing a routine". Remember that one of her main focuses is on implementing a routine from birth. See the EWS cycle for more on this.
*"You've been doing accidental parenting".
*"You're not reading your child's cues".
*"You're not factoring in that young children change constantly. The only constant in the job of parenting is change". If you find your self using the phrase my child "used to be", then maybe your problems are routed from the fact that your child is ready for a change (more awake time, more time between meals etc.).
*"You're looking for an easy fix". Sometimes we seem to expect magic to happen with little or no effort. Not likely. What most likely is needed a whole lot of patience, persistence, and maybe a little extra chocolate when things get tough :)
*"You're not really committed to change. Make a plan and stick with it... Don't go back to your old way and don't keep tyring different techniques... Be persistent". I'd also like to add to this the need to be consistent.
*"You're trying something that doesn't work for your family or your personality". If you're not comfortable doing a particular technique, either don't do it, or find ways to bolster yourself, by having the strong parent take over for a bit, or enlisting some other help.
*"It ain't broke- and you don't really need to fix it". Every baby is different and just because your baby isn't following exactly what other babies his age are doing that doesn't mean something is wrong. If he seems to be doing fine, then that is the most important thing.
*"You have unrealistic expectations". We can't have too high or unreasonable expectations of our children. They're not perfect, and they're only capable of so much. And often when we do "a" then "b" and expect to get "c", "c" simply doesn't happen. Things usually aren't that simple with them.
Hi Rachel:
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog. What a nice resource. I am having a hard time distinguishing between the problem of "following your child, not establishing a routine" and the positive "responding to your child's cues." How do I respond to my child's sleep cues (or eating cues, etc) but also be sure that I'm the one in charge. It probably seems dumb, but I struggle with this!
Thanks!
Not a dumb question at all :)
ReplyDeleteResponding to your child's cues but also staying in charge is best done (and most easily done in my opinion) on some kind of routine. Say you are using the wake, eat, activity then sleep routine. You start off by choosing a wake time in the morning and wake your child up at that time (or sometime close to that time). Then you feed your child at that time and YOU try and ensure a full feeding (without forcing your child to eat when he isn't hungry of course-look at his cues).Then you put your child down when he is ready for a nap. You use his cues (if he has visible ones, if not, you will have to go by what wake time seems to work the best through trial and error) to do this but at the same time don't let him trick you into thinking he doesn't need to nap when he really does. While my son generally sleeps great he hates to sleep. If I didn't put him down for a nap he would stay up entergeticly all day (and probably night) long. Next, you wake your child up when it is time for him to eat if he isn't up already (you keep in charge here). If he wakes up much earlier than expected, you need to trouble shoot...is he hungry (in a growth spurt, didn't eat much at the last feeding for some reason), is he in pain, did he not make it through a sleep transition etc. I've got a post (and several more to come) on possible reason he may wake early so you can check there.
Does that makes sense? I think a lot of the reason some people think schedules are so bad or why some people can never get them to work is that they don't realize that you work with the baby as well as decide things on your own. You can't put a baby down for a nap whenever or they might not even be sleepy,(you need to look at their cues), but you also don't just let your child stay up all day when he needs a nap because he doesn't want to sleep---and who would anyway when mom is so much fun? (parents take charge).
Hope that answered your question. Let me know if you need any further clarification and I'll do my best to explain it.
Hi Rachel!
ReplyDeleteYay! I found your bog! I lost it and had to look all over before I came across it again.
I've got a real quandary on my hands, a challenge that I can't figure out any thoughts would be great appreciated.
Maybe you have some ideas for me. My almost 9mo old girl sleeps on her mattress next to me. For a long time that seemed easier for night feeds than having to get up out of bed. Problem now is she's mobile! Once she learned how to roll over and sit up she started doing it at night. I thought it would just be a phase, that it was temporarily her automatic response to rolling over...months later I'm still helping her back down. But now I think it's a case of "I can't get back to sleep without you putting me in position mommy." She goes down at 7pm & wakes at least 5 times a night, sometimes more & sometimes I have to keep my hand on her for 20min to insure she doesn't just sit up again. I feed her 2 of those times, as close to 1:30am & 5:30am as I can. I find if I don't lay her back down right away she gets more riled up (and awake) and/or starts playing, which is like soooo not cute. Sometimes she crawls over to me and tries to play or go back to sleep, but is crying.
The catch is we're moving in one week & will be in that place for a month, another place the next month, then essentially traveling the month after that. If possible I'd like to keep her sleeping arrangements the same. If we weren't moving, I'd probably transition her to a crib and work with some crying. But as it is I think I'd feel bad making her go through a big transition at the same time as taking her away from the only "home" she's known.
So. Do you have any tips or ideas about handling her nighttime wakings. I'm working on a schedule, hoping that will curb her wakings. I figure I've got about one week to make any drastic changes and get her accustomed to that before I'll feel more "locked in" to her sleep patterns.
The only thing I've come across so far for this situation is the Sears idea of playing dead. I haven't tried this consistently yet because the first time she crawled off the bed and toward the door. My plan very foiled.
Do you think I can still co-sleep and "cure" her need for me, or that I definitely need to transition her to a crib. I'm sure other co-sleeping moms have had the same and figured a way through it, but I wonder if they just were accustomed to waking all night!
Thanks,
Molly
Molly, I think if you want her beside you and she keeps crawling off her bed the best solution would be something like a play pen next to you. That way you actually have the option of giving her less attention at night (in whatever way you do it). The sitting up and then pulling up and then walking is a novelty thing. It will happen in most babies and disturb sleep and the main thing to do is allow practice in the day and wait for it to pass. If you involve yourself in the process too much, it can very wuickly turn into a game or habit. So maybe the playpen will help out some. Maybe say a phrase as you put her down (said calmly even if you don't feel it:) and you will be able to just say the words and drop the physical holding down. Playing dead may work but she may get very upset and cry, just like she may do if you hold her down (I'm surprised this isn't happening, lucky you!). Offering a lovey with your phrase, I.e. time to go to keep, works great or some kids (certainly not mine though at that age. Sorry it took a fe days to respond as this is time sensitive. Good luck!
Delete